The Many Faces of Biblical Humor

Funniest One-Liners

1. King Achish to the men who brought him David, who was feigning madness:  
             Why did you bring this lunatic to me? Does it look like I have a shortage of lunatics in my entourage?     I Samuel 21:15

2. Aaron to Moses after Aaron had made a golden calf for the people:    They brought me [their golden earrings]; I threw them into the fire; and, “presto,” out came this calf. I have no idea how it happened. Honest!     Exodus 32:24

3. Demon to the exorcists who tried to cast him out by reciting, “In the name of the Jesus whom Paul preaches, I command you to come out of him”:  “Jesus I know, and Paul I know; but who [in the name of Hades] are you guys?” And the demoniac jumped all seven of them and whipped the tar out of them until they ran out of the house naked and wounded.       Acts 19:15-16

4. Paul on the Circumcision Party in Galatia:   
             I wish that those people who are commanding you to be circumcised would be cut off completely!     Galatians 5:12

5. Jesus to the crowd in the Sermon on the Mount:    How can you possibly tell your brother, “Hey, I think I see a little speck in your eye,” when you have a log sticking out of your own eye?     Matthew 7:3

6. Proverb about being too cheerful:  If you rise up very early in the morning and wake your friend with a wonderful blessing, your friend will count it worse than receiving a curse.     Proverbs 27:14

7. God to Moses after Moses said that God’s prediction of food was “impossible”: 
         Did I miss something? Since when have I become weak?  Watch me work!  Numbers 11:23

 8. Dialogue between Samuel and King Saul after a battle in which Saul was to have killed everything:

Saul:       You will be so happy! I just finished doing every single thing that the Lord commanded me.

Samuel:   Is that so? Then why, pray tell, do I hear the bleating of sheep and the lowing of cattle in the background?

Saul:       Sheep, what sheep? Oh, you mean those sheep. Well, uh, I can explain that.

               I Samuel 15:13-15

 9. Sarah to Abraham (after Sarah told Abraham to sleep with Hagar, who subsequently became both pregnant and insolent): 
                This whole thing is your fault.     Genesis 16:5

10. Elijah to the prophets of Baal when Baal did not answer by fire:  Maybe you’re not shouting loudly enough. Baal might have a hearing problem. Maybe he is in the middle of an important conversation and hasn’t noticed your calls. Wait a minute. I know what it is. He is going to the bathroom and can’t get up right now! Or, perhaps he is on vacation or is sleeping.     I Kings 18:27

11. Luke on the mob who was yelling, “Great is Diana,” and trying to kill Paul:  Meanwhile, inside the amphitheatre, some were yelling one thing and some were yelling another. The whole assembly was in utter confusion, and most of the people there didn’t even know what the meeting was about or why they were there.     Acts 19:32

12. Jesus to those Pharisees who kept the man-made rules of the Mishnah but not God’s commandments in the Torah:

You blind guides! You strain the gnats out of your soup [the gnat is an insect that is not kosher and should not be eaten], and then you swallow a whole camel! [The camel is also not kosher, but is a little bigger than a gnat!]     Matthew 23:24

13. Proverb about meddling:  If you meddle in a quarrel between two other people, you will end up like somebody who has
    picked up a mad dog by the ears.     Proverbs 26:17

14. God in response to criticism by the people:  Woe to the man who argues with his Creator. Does the pottery argue with the potter saying, “Just a second, you’re making me wrong”?      Isaiah 45:9

Funny things Peter said:

    Upon seeing Jesus transfigured along with Moses and Elijah, Peter said,   "Let’s make this a tourist attraction!"   Matthew 17:1-6
 

   After Jesus said to forgive your brother, Peter asked,   "How many times should I forgive? Seven?" Jesus answered, "I'm afraid you have underestimated the number.  Forgive seventy-seven times."

  This contrasted with Lamech, who said "If Cain were avenged seven times,  I will be avenged seventy-seven times!"  

    Genesis 4:15, 23-24; Matthew 18:21

    When Jesus said it is hard for a rich person to be saved, Peter said,  "Then we should get in easy."   Matthew 19:27

    Following a stern warning by Jesus to a crowd,  Peter queried,     "You talkin’ to us?"   Luke 21:41

    Jesus told Peter he would have to go through hard times.  Peter then pointed over to John and said,   "What about him?"

    John 21:15-24

Cultural humor

Hot, cold, and lukewarm  – Rev. 3:14-16  (Laodicea had hot and cold
     running springs fed into a plumbing system.)

M’chitzah – I Corinthians 14:33-35 

    (The women were shouting over a wall.)

Straining gnats and swallowing camels – Matthew 23:24 

    (Neither animal is kosher.)

Rebecca and saddle bags  – Genesis 31:27-35   (She hid ber saddle bags under her skirt and pretended to be having her period.)

 
Abraham and servant swearing  – Genesis 24:2 

    (They swore on Abrahsm's most precious possession!)

Macabre humor

    After the lovely Jael killed Sisera (the enemy general) by driving a stake through his head as he slept, Deborah (general of the Israeli Army) sang a song.  In the song she mocks Sisera's mother –– waiting for her son.  His mother says,  "He is probably late because he has captured many women and has put a lovely red scarf around his neck."  Acutally, a woman had defeated Sisera, and the "scarf" was made of blood!     Judges 5:30